Well Meaning Face Slaps

I have several things running through my brain today and I started to message a friend about them but then I realized that I do not have the patience to type it all out on my phone so I am going to write it out here and hopefully she'll read it and know that she is not alone.

First off, the other day a well meaning someone told me that she admires me for the way I have "bounced back" from all this. Ok, I get that she was trying to be supportive, but let me assure you, I have not and will not ever "bounce back from this. This is not bounce back-able. You don't just get over your child dying. You don't become whole again, life is not ever complete again, I will never be the same person again. Yes, I still get up and move thru the days (some days get more movement than others) but do not mistake this for "bouncing back." It's like that song I posted on Facebook the other day. "I Will Never Let You Know" from Nashville. (Shut up. I love that show) "I burned to ashes, split down the middle, if anyone asks it hurts just a little, I died inside the day I let you go. I will never let you know."

Just because I (and my other grief warrior friends) don't walk around wailing or silent or give up and stay in bed, does not mean we bounced back. It means we found the strength to put one foot in front of the other. You would not believe how hard that can be some days. Damn near impossible. But we have not bounced back. We push forward, some days counting the minutes until we can crawl into bed. We do yoga, we take anti-depressants, we journal and we go to therapy. But we have not bounced back. Saying we have "bounced back" is insulting and it's like saying our children and our children's deaths did not matter. I wanted to scream "Shut your face!" but I was at work and also didn't want to get fired. So I said "Not the case, read my blog."

I also have a sweet friend struggling with fertility issues right now. And she's doing the right thing by trying to reach out for support. It's hard for her because people don't get it. They are trying to make her see the "bright side." But when you want to have children and when you deserve to have a family full of children, there is not bright side to knowing that may not happen the way she dreamed of it happening. It very well could happen, but it won't be the journey she dreamed of and wished for. That's a whole grieving process and in and of it's self. People don't get that.

I guess what I am getting at after all this rambling, is be careful with your words. What was meant to be well intentioned can wound. Words have power. They can wound and sting and burn just like a physical blow. And they cannot be taken back once they are out there. If you have a friend who is struggling, give them a hug, tell them it sucks and it's not fair and that you love them. Don't make it about you, don't push the bright side and dear God do NOT put a timeline on their pain. Until you've walked that proverbial mile in their shoes, you can't get it but you do have the power to make it much, much worse.