Surviving Mother's Day

It's almost over. I've almost survived my first Mother's Day without Hannah. And it wasn't easy.

I woke up to Charlie giggling and climbing in bed with us, all tickles and cartoons. The trouble started when he wanted breakfast. As usual, Brent didn't want to get with him right away and was trying to delay the process. Then when he finally agreed to bring him downstairs, Charlie said he wanted to bring me breakfast in bed. Letting out a huge sigh and making it clear this was the last thing he wanted to do (I'm sure he was planning on setting Charlie up with food and falling back asleep on the couch) Brent asked what I wanted him to pick up for breakfast. He could not have been less enthusiastic. Thanks big guy, don't worry about all the meals I cook for you. Don't bother scrambling an egg for me. Wouldn't want ya to break a sweat. So I told him I wasn't hungry and just waited form them to go downstairs so I could be alone.

And that's when I could feel myself shutting down. I just shut down. I felt like a zombie. I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do with myself, but I knew I had to get out of the house. So I threw on some clothes and went to Target by myself. I wandered the aisles for over an hour, in a daze. Not really seeing anything or needing much other than cat food. But I just couldn't deal with being at home. Finally I headed out and went home. Brent was tired and crabby, Charlie was sassy and crabby and everything just felt out of sync. I grabbed a book and went to read for a while, but Charlie just followed up and continued to be sassy pants. Finally Brent took Charlie and went out to get the grocery shopping done.

Finally I had the peace and quiet I was craving but now the silence felt too loud, to oppressive. So I got a bunch of work done in the garden. Brent was still crabby, Charlie was still sassy. Nothing was as it should be. Nothing. I need this stupid day to be over already.

I did get lots of sweet messages from friends, hoping we were mudding through alright. To those sweet friends, thank you. You were the only thing going right today. Once again, I am grateful because you kept my head above water and kept me moving.