Return to Zero

Have you seen the movie Return to Zero? Probably not because it's depressing as Hell  (even more so than this blog) but it's fantastic. It's about a couple dealing with a stillbirth and it blew my mind. First of all, I probably should not have watched it at this point in my grieving process and I am probably dehydrated from all the crying. But it touched me and now I am watching it over and over...and over and over. Obsessive? Yes, absolutely. But I'm also healing and this helps.

I don't want to ruin the movie for anyone that might be interested in seeing it, but there are a few parts that made me want to jump up and shout "Get out of my head Minnie Driver!" Yeah, this might be a good time to mention that Minnie Driver stars in the movie. She plays the wife/mother and I have no idea who plays the husband because I didn't recognize him and his character is so different from B that his role didn't stand out to me at all.

The first scene that really captured me was when Minnie's character Maggie wakes up at home after the birth. Her bra is soaked through. See, that's the part that no one thinks about when you lose a child at  birth. You not only have to deal with the heartache, but you have to deal with the physical ramifications of giving birth. Personally, I had recover from a C-section. But also, your hormones are going crazy and your milk comes in. I couldn't go home and lift C up and give him the biggest hug because I couldn't lift "anything heavier than a baby."

Then came the scene that made me want to stand up and cheer. Minnie went to her best friend's baby shower. Right after she walks in she sees some women that she knows and they ignore her. She mutters "That's right, walk away, I might be contagious." Her mother replies "It's hard for people, they don't know what to say." Minnie snaps back "I'm sure it's very hard for them" in her best sarcastic voice possible. A great scene. But the best was yet to come at that same party. A well meaning woman walks up to Minnie and starts talking to her about God's Perfect Plan and how loss of her baby was hard to understand but it was all part of God's plan. This is where Minnie loses her shit and says exactly what has been running thru my head for weeks now. "So God's perfect plan" she starts in "is to give me a grief so hard, so deep, that I would lose my faith in Him. That's God's perfect plan." Best line EVER in a movie. Seriously. And it's hard because you know, you just know that everyone that says something like "It's God's will" or "She's in a better place" or "It's all part of God's plan" is saying from their hearts. They are truly trying to be comforting and to ease the pain. But it really doesn't. It really, really only makes it worse. I've gone from being a spiritual believer to cursing God since the loss of H. And that loss of faith a whole other thing to grieve.

The scene that gave me chills and made me cry for at least an hour (yeah, it took me awhile to watch this movie) was the birth scene itself. Actually it was more of the aftermath. The looks on the faces of Minnie and her husband captured perfectly how I felt. The shock, the disbelief, the ohmygodthiscannotbehappening *sob* pleasetellmethisisnothappening *sob* ohmygodohmygodohmygod! It was so real to me, it took me back to the at hospital room instantly. To the shock. To holding my little girl and knowing that shortly I would have to put her down forever and I would never be able to hold her or kiss her again. To look at that tiny face and know I'd never be able to look into her eyes. To knowing that it wasn't really sinking in because the whole thing felt like a terrible, awful, horrible nightmare.

But before I make this movie sound like a highway to depression, there were also some uplifting scenes. Honestly I am not ready to feel that message yet so none of that really hit home. But there was one thing that I really loved. At the baby's funeral service everyone was offered the chance to say something about the baby. Minnie's best friend spoke up and said something that actually eased my heart a bit. She said that all that baby ever knew was love. That the baby was loved the whole time his mother was carrying him. And he never knew anger, and he never knew pain. All he knew was his parents love.

My H never knew anything but love. She never knew anger or hunger or disappointment. She never knew heartbreak or betrayal or pain. But she knew love. She was loved from the moment that pregnancy test said positive. She was loved by so many, many people and she still is. She may not have lived long enough to take her first breath, but I loved her so much it takes mine away.