Well, That Sucked

Today was my second day back at work since H passed. I thought last Friday, my first day back, would be the hardest. What I didn't account for was that it was the day after New Years and everyone would be on vacation.

Today, however, everyone was back. And it sucked.

I really did miss my co-workers because they are awesome. My team even left me a giant, life sized cardboard cut-out of George Clooney. Complete with a Burger King crown, a tie and of course, handcuffs. Pure Awesomeness. And everyone has been so supportive and kind and wonderful. Which is why I assumed everyone knew what happened.

Turns out that assumption was way off. Way. Off. I had no idea how many people had no idea that we lost H. For me, her loss has been so all consuming, taking up space in every minute of every day, no matter what else was going on. For me, it's a loss I feel so constantly and so deeply that I forget that not everyone around me can feel it too.

So there I was, wandering around saying hi to people when I got the first "You're back! Did you bring pictures?" Huh? Pictures of what? "Not today!" I responded, thinking it was odd that they were asking to see pictures of C. I mean, I know he's adorable, but it seemed a random request.

Then I wandered on and was talking to someone else, when I was approached again, by another well meaning soul. "You had your baby! How is she?" I stared and stammered and had no idea what to say until she figured it out for herself. This pattern continued over and over throughout the day. A well meaning question, me stammering like an idiot and finally the awkward and horrible realization of what I was really saying without saying anything at all.

It was so awful I found myself pondering how bad it would actually be to cut out early after being off for 2 months.

I didn't cut out early though. I stuck it out, and yes I cried in the bathroom when necessary, but I stuck it out. I got through it and it has to get easier right? It can only get easier as word of mouth spreads right? I thought I hated the sad eyes that I get when I walk into a room full of people who know. But having to explain it repeatedly all day, over and over was brutal. I wish I had the words to tell people when they don't know. I wish I didn't have to end up telling them "It's alright" when it's anything but alright. I wish I could stay in my little solitary bubble and not have to face the real world yet. Because today taught me that even though I feel like I've come a long way in the last two months, all it takes is one innocent question and I am firmly back at square one. I'm not ready for real life yet. It's just too much too soon.