Anger with a Side of Tears

I'm mad.

I'm mad that we are officially part of the Baby Loss Club. This is a club I want nothing to do with. I never asked for this. I never wanted this. Yet here I am, living with it every day. And I'm mad that there are so many other wonderful families that are a part of the same club. Why? Who the Hell decided this was fair. It's not fair, it's not right, there is no justice.

I'm mad that I now know that the worst can, and in fact will, happen when you least expect it. I'm so mad that I had to lose whatever bit of innocence was left in me. I know how cruel fate can be and it pisses me off.

I'm mad that I am not the person that I was before. I came out of this experience changed forever. And yes, maybe someday I'll be able to see some of my personal changes as good, but right now I am just pissed that they were forced on me.

I'm mad at people who act like she never happened. I don't know what I was expecting at Christmas but I sure wasn't expecting my in-laws to completely ignore H. Look, I get it, she died and it's sad and it's awful and no one wants to cry at Christmas. But what's even worse is acting like she never was. Would it be too much to get an ornament in memory of her? Or mention her name? Or even say, "How are you doing? I know it's been rough." But there was nothing. Just silence. Like she never happened. Like our day to day  reality wasn't just shredded into a million painful pieces a short seven weeks before. Like it didn't matter and time had already marched on.

I am mad at someone that I thought was a good friend. We've been friends for a long, long time. But where was she when H passed? No seriously, where was she? One text, one voicemail and that's it. No card, so flowers, no sign that this has registered with her at all. This is someone who has her own kids, who says we are close friends. This is someone who has ignored other major events in my life and I feel like this is the last straw for us. I don't know how to tell her I am upset and I certainly don't think she'd understand it anyway. She has a habit of apologizing at the time I say I am upset and then later acting like it was all nothing and I was overacting. I think our friendship has run its course. Sad, but also somewhat freeing.

I'm mad that B and I don't grieve the same way. There are things I need to do to comfort myself but they make him feel worse. And his way of dealing with this makes me feel worse. And right now it feels like he's not willing to meet in the middle and that makes me mad. It feels like he's telling me how to handle my grief and I hate that.

I am mad at myself. I had one job to do. Just one. Keep H safe until she was ready to come out and I couldn't even do it. I'm so pissed. I'm just so incredibly mad that this had to happen to my sweet little girl.

I am mad that I can't make sense of this. I don't know why this happened, or how to prevent it from happening again. I don't know what to do to make myself feel better. And I don't know what to tell my amazing and wonderful friends when they want to help me feel better. Because there is no feeling better right now. And that is incredibly frustrating.

I'm mad that there will be a time that I won't be able to remember the feel of holding H in my arms.  There will be a time that I don't remember her smell and the feel of cheek on my cheek. Those memories will fade and it will be like losing her all over again.