It seems like every time I turn around we are faced with another milestone or event. Another reminder of what is lost, of what we'll never have. Today Hannah should have turned 4 months old. Had she been born on her due date, today would start my last week of maternity leave. It feels like there is always something to remind us of what is missing in our lives.
I know that someday it won't feel so raw. Someday the tears won't be right on the verge.
Someday I will walk into the office without the fear that someone won't ask me how she is.
Someday I won't have to avoid the baby aisle at Target. Or cry on my way to yoga because the studio and the prenatal classes were so important to me when I was pregnant with Hannah.
Someday I won't be worried about making her the perfect memorial garden, or finding the perfect way to celebrate what should have been her 1st birthday.
Maybe someday I'll even be able to remember what it was like to not carry this grief around with me wherever I go. Someday I will be able to be truly 100% happy for friends that are pregnant, instead half happy, half heartbroken.
Someday I will be less bitter, less angry.
I'm not there yet, but someday I will be.
So sorry for your loss. Be gentle with yourself. Crying is a good thing, don't let anyone let you think it's not.
ReplyDeleteYes I blog, but I blog anonymous, to answer your earlier question. Please know, I'm in a different place, I've lost multiple times. Although, I don't like it, I am accepting of it, because I have knowledge of all my overlying medical issues.