Today was a rough day emotionally and I just need to scream. There is a real list of things that make missing Hannah even worse for me. I've been tracking it in my head, but I need to vent it, just like I need to vent everything else.
1. People telling me that "This is God's plan." First of all, don't presume to think you know God's plan. You don't. It's just that simple.
2. People asking me how I'm doing and then giving me The Look. The Aw Poor Little Puppy Are You Going to Cry Now Look.
3. Therapy. I have no idea what to say. I can't verbalize my feelings at all. But I still go because someday I'm sure it will all come flooding out.
4. Everyday life. It's too hard.
5. People calling Hannah an angel. She shouldn't be an angel, she should be a living, breathing baby. Stop acting like Angel Hannah is a good thing
6. God - I'm still really angry at Him.
7. People who act like her death was didn't matter. (giving my in-laws the side eye here)
8. Christmas (it used to be my favorite, now I can't stand it)
9. That the door to Hannah's nursery stays closed. I also hate it when it's open and I can see the beautiful room, put together with love and going unused.
10. Myself for letting this all happen. For not being able to stop it. For losing her when Brent, Charlie and I loved her so, so much.
It sucks and I am pissed too - that is all
ReplyDelete💕
DeleteDear Mom Sweetcheeks,
ReplyDeleteMy firstborn will turn 25 on May 11. There will be two celebrations: 1 on Earth; the other in Heaven. Just like you, we had but one date on the funeral program: May 11, 1990.
Here are a few things I believe about my situation:
1) it was a freak accident; not God's will or plan.
2) The Look is more about the ither person'so discomfort.
3) My deepest conflict roots eventually did come out in therapy and I eventually found peace and acceptance that worked for me.
4) Everyday life was f-n hard after my Gavin died; it was also filled with fleeting moments of hope, healing, and happiness.
5) I was pissed when people told me that God plucked a rose to make heaven more beautiful; then I realized God didn't choose this. He bawled his brains out with me.
6) I was angry at God until i figured out #5
7) Some people (my in-laws included) do not or cannot cope with death the same way I do. I cherish those friends and family members who continue to celebrate his life with us.
8) Mother's Day was hard the first time Gavin's birthday fell on the same day, until I realized I could celebrate being a mom and pay tribute to one of the greatest parts of my life.
9) The room haunted me when the door was open and closed and in some weird and deeply unrecognizable way, it also made me feel a little closer to him. I didn't fully feel at peace until the room housed a baby.
10) I, too, hated myself until I accepted that Gavin's death was a freak accident and there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. (As told to me repeatedly by my doctors and nurses for years before I believed it.)
You truly are not alone, Journeyer. Though I would have preferred to meet you under different circumstances, I am grateful to have "met" you here. As is my motto, "We are neighbors in grief and allies in healing." Sending you warm thoughts and healing energy...
Yours in hope, healing, and happiness...
~AE