Balancing Act

Just when I think we are getting better, just when I think we are learning to deal with our new reality, there is another milestone missed, another memory not made, and we are right back where we started.

If all had gone according to plan, today would have been a very hard day. Today I would have been returning to work after maternity leave if the worst hadn't happed. But the worst did happen and instead of tearfully dropping Hannah off at daycare, I am spending the day lost in what could have been. I wonder what cute little outfit she would have worn, how she would have adjusted to our wonderful daycare teacher, Miss Beth. I wonder if I would have cut out of work 5 minutes early because those last 5 minutes seemed like an eternity before I could see them again. I wonder how Charlie would have done with Hannah in his space at Beth's. I wonder how I would have balanced two baths and two bedtime routines while making dinner and staying sane.

The worst part is that I'll never know. All of those memories were stolen from us back in November and there is nothing we can do about it. No matter how deep our sorrow runs or how furious our anger gets. No matter how many friends surround us with love and want to make it better, it won't be get any better. These memories and countless others will always be missing from our lives.

So now, instead of learning to balance career with two kids, I find myself learning to balance grief with all my other life roles. Grief can be extremely overwhelming and it can take over everything. So my initial reaction is to try to ignore it. But it can't be ignored, it has to be dealt with. My new challenge is how to take my grief and balance it with being a wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter, employee etc etc. How do I take this and move forward without dropping all the roles I have to play? It's a really delicate balancing act and I know I don't have it down yet. Instead, I am dropping the ball right and left and letting everyone around me down. I can't wait until I can pull it together and succeed at this! It's so frustrating to feel like I'm failing at everything at once.