It's been almost a year since I published "An Open Letter to My Critic" and so much has happened in that time. I'd like to say fences were mended and bridges weren't burned, but that's not the reality of the situation. The reality is that the situation got much uglier than I originally knew and certainly more than I thought possible. That's why I have been as quiet as possible.
It turns out that it wasn't one "friend" tired of my grief and ready for it to be over. Out of four women in that conversation that night, after many drinks and of course, after I had left, only one said this isn't right. Only one said the conversation needs to stop. The other three continued.
No one will tell me exactly what has said. Either too much time has passed to remember exactly or maybe they are ashamed. It's probably better if I don't know anyway. What I do know is it broke my heart all over again. And now friendships that I thought would last until we were old and gray are shaky now at best and it makes me sick to think of it.
I'm trying to forgive. I'm trying to move forward. But it's hard, its just so hard.
The cold truth of the situation now is that all have apologized - and almost all were sincere. But the blame now lies with me. They see it as my inability to automatically drop their betrayal and act like nothing ever happened as what is truly damaging the group. I see their inability to understand the level of hurt they caused as culprit. As you can see, this leaves a wide chasm that some how needs to be gapped. But can it?
That's what I don't know and I am trying to figure out. Meanwhile the silence, as they say, is deafening. They don't seem to be in a hurry for answers. Maybe they are over this too. Or maybe they are giving me a wide berth to figure all this out. I just don't know. I do know they are frustrated. They have asked once or twice, "How can I be your friend? I don't know how to be your friend anymore. Tell me how to be your friend." And the only answer I have "Just don't be an asshole" isn't giving enough direction. Maybe I should say, "Start by not putting the entire future of our friendship solely on my shoulders. It's a lot to carry alone." Because it is a lot to carry alone. Not only do I have to get myself and my husband and my two young children through this, now I have to get our friendship through this too? It's somehow my job and my job alone? That doesn't seem fair.
Then again, there was nothing fair about this situation from the very start.
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