2 Years

My sweet girl, I can't believe it's been 2 years since we said hello and goodbye. Two years since we held you and had to give you back. Two years since the tearful nurse took you silently from the room and our lives.

So much has happened since then it's hard to recognize life now. You have a new brother, but you already know that. I know you got him here safely and watch over him. Your room is now his room. Gone are the ballet sheets and butterfly mobile; replaced with yellow giraffes.

But the biggest change is how people have moved on. How some people expect me to have moved on. I haven't - I won't. But others have to. I get it. I don't like it, but I get it. The harsh reality is that the world keeps moving. That's the thing about grief. It's so intense that it's hard to fathom the fact that everyone's world wasn't completely rocked on that day. My life was so completely upended that I can't  understand that it was only my life and not everyone's. But that's how it works, right? And we carry on. We find our people that remember and love and support us. And we put one foot in front of the other and we carry on.

But I promise you this my sweet girl. I will never forget. I will always honor you and remember you and speak about you every chance that I get. You will live on with me, a part of me always.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

- ee cummings