I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately on the "Before" and the "After" and I've realized how different life is now than it was on Nov 1, 2014. When the 2nd came, I became a whole other person. I mean, in a lot of ways I'm still me, but at the same time I'm so different.
For starters I am a much more patient parent. Screaming in Target? No biggie, we just leave. Jumping up and down on the couch (drives me insane)? Just remind him to stop. Preschooler gets sassy? Calmly send him to his room to think about his behavior. Baby is up all night? Hey, we have a baby and we get to be up all night!
That's a positive. There are way more negatives.
I get short tempered with people who don't understand grief. Example, there was a post in a mom's group today about whether or not a mom should ask a new acquaintance if they have children. Every "Sure, why not?" response made my blood boil. Seriously? Even after several moms mentioned fertility struggles or deaths most mom's didn't think it was a big deal. But here were grieving women saying exactly why it was a big deal. I wanted to scream. I want to scream now just thinking about it.
I also have no patience with the "get over people." Those people that look at me with pity then turn around and say "Shouldn't she be over it now?" and "I don't think she's handling it right." To those people I say this. Losing a child is a level of grief you can never understand until it happens to you and so I truly hope you never understand. I would also like to say that you are acting like a dick. Who talks shit about someone who lost their child? Seriously, what is wrong with you? I cannot comprehend that level of idiocy.
Ahem, moving on...
Lost faith. This one is tough. It's hard because while I've never been overtly religious I have always been spiritual and had a strong sense of faith. So when that was shattered I didn't know where to turn. I had no one to blame then but God and myself, and I still have no one to blame but God and myself. Being constantly mad at myself is exhausting. Don't get me wrong, I am still mad at myself. But I channel the bulk of my anger at God. Who lets a baby die? Who the fuck thought that was a good idea. Not me! Must be God. Asshat. There is a great song by Jetty Rae called Mad at You and the opening lyrics describe it perfectly.
Dear God I'm mad at you
and I know it's a shame
for me to feel this way
but I'm all blue
and I've got no one to blame
but me and you
I believed like a child
all the while
trying to make you smile
you're the only one
smiling now
I can't remember how
So that's where God and I stand right now. Its not good.
Now that I've offended a ton of people, lets move on.
Innocence lost. I know that all those things that happen to "other people can happen close to home. They can happen at home. Every time I hear someone is pregnant I panic and starting thinking "Please oh please let this baby get here safely." There is no safe zone. Making it through the first trimester doesn't mean shit. Bad things happen at any time. There is no point where you are home free. Disaster can find you anywhere.
Jealously. Whenever someone announces a pregnancy besides hoping for a healthy baby, I hope for a boy. There is a part of me that feels like if I can't have my daughter I don't want anyone else to have one either. It's not fair. And it's petty of me, I know this. But that jealous comes up and kicks me in the gut every time.
Tired. I am so tired. Carrying grief around is so exhausting. Some days I don't have the energy to be a functioning person. This means cancelled plans or not making them to begin with. I've noticed the tiredness fades as time moves forward, but there are still days where life is exhausting.
I had a couple of other points but I forgot to write them down and my memory ain't what it used to be. I'm sure they will come to me as soon as I hit publish. Maybe I'll write them down and do a part II to this blog. But I'll probably forget.
Remember I never asked to change. I liked who I was. Sure there was definitely room for improvement, but I knew what to expect from myself. Now I feel constantly surprised at my own feelings. That's unnerving and annoying. I don't like surprises, I miss my old life. I liked believing that good things happen to good people and that life was on some level, more or less fair. That's gone now and I'm left being a stranger in my own body.
*If you want to hear the rest of Mad at You, you can download on iTune or listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4dAFBpaUCPw
No comments:
Post a Comment