Today was a rough one, wasn't it? Fits were thrown, toys were tossed, punishments were doled out. I saw the regret on your face at bedtime. I heard it in your voice when you told me your Sad for the day was getting in trouble. I know you think you disappointed me. I know you think that and it breaks my heart. Because the truth is, as frustrated as I was with you today, I get it. And I am not disappointed.
You have been through so much in your five short years. Surgeries and leg braces. Helmets and physical therapy. Hospital stays and too many ER visits to count. And just when things finally started to settle down in your world, we announced that you are getting a little sister. You were so excited to meet her! It was the sweetest thing to see. You helped fold her clothes and pick out her toys and happily told anyone that would listen that you were getting a sister and her name is Hannah and you were going to finally be a Big Brother
Then you watched that dream get ripped away. Stolen by two parents who were struggling so much with their own grief that it took us a week to even tell you what happened. You were there when we found out, you just didn't know what was going on. All you knew is the room went quiet until I screamed for them to get you out of there. All I wanted to do was hold you close, but I couldn't let you see my heart breaking in two. I will never forget the look on your face or the sound of your voice when Papa arrived to take you home. You cried and reached for me as he physically pulled you from the room. You knew something was wrong, but you didn't know what. All you knew is I was sending you away. All I knew is everything was different and scary and uncertain all of the sudden and I just wanted to scoop you up and hold you close. Could you feel that? Or did you just feel pushed away? I'll always wonder about the damage that day may have done to you and I will always wish I handled it differently.
You got a mom back after a few days, but you didn't get your mom back did you? You got a zombie. A mom who wandered through the days in a daze, crying constantly and clinging to you. A mom who slept 20 hours a day for the next couple of months. A mom who was sad and lost and standing on unstable ground.
But you never lost faith in me.
Just when we pulled ourselves together again, we told you that you were getting a baby brother. You were so excited! But as time wore on, as we got closer to Teddy's arrival, I could see your fear too. You asked if he was coming home with us or going to Heaven with Hannah. You asked over and over to reassure yourself. You cried every time I went to the hospital because you think only bad things happen there. To you, it is a place of loss and not a place where life begins. You began to worry, it was written on your little face and I could hear it in your bedtime prayers.
But you still never lost faith in me. You knew, no matter what, I would come home.
Now Teddy is here and I am constantly amazed at what a kind and loving kid you are. You gave him half of your books and half of your stuffed animals. You call him Blue Eyes and ask to hold him and feed him. You tell him about his sister Hannah who lives in Heaven and watches over us all. You read him books and make sure he always has his paci and his lovey. The depths of your heart amaze me. I am so incredibly proud of the little person you are becoming. Your sweet, sensitive soul, so easily wounded but always so ready to give. I am so proud to be your Mom.
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