The Operating Room

**The following was written on 2/26/16**

Tomorrow is the day. The day I have been thinking about and stressing about and wondering about since I found out that I was pregnant. Tomorrow our third child will join us and hopefully, with any luck this child will come home with us. Charlie had to stay in the NICU after I was discharged. And Hannah, well Hannah never got to come home at all. So I find myself begging the universe (still mad at God) to please, please, please, let me leave the hospital with my baby this time around. Is that really too much to ask?

This whole pregnancy I have had my heart set on a vbac without questioning why it was so important to. I just knew I HAD to do it. I don't want medication, I don't want surgery. I want to feel and experience every sensation of bringing this child safely into the world. Today I found out that won't be possible and for the baby's sake we will have another csection. Dammit, I switched doctors purposely to one who encourages vbacs and it STILL isn't happening. What the hell?

But it's beyond my control and as experienced as this doctor is, it's beyond his control also. It's terrifying that so much about this process is beyond anyone's control.

So, I was talking to the doctor about csections and I panicked. A switch flipped and I said "I can't do it. I just can't. Last time was too awful, too traumatic. I cannot go back into that operating room. I can't do it." I won't tell you exactly what my doctor said, because it's only going to come across as outrageously creepy when it was 100% meant to be reassuring. So I'll just leave it at he reassured me that I can in fact get through this.

I'm still not sure.

I know this isn't the hardest thing I'll ever do. I've already done that. But this sure feels like a close second.. It feel related. It feels all wrapped up in one. It feels like I'll be welcoming my son and saying good bye to my daughter all over again.

I can't go back in that operating room. I just can't.

**Update** So I did go back and I did face that same operating room. And while I'd like say that I faced it with grace and courage that would be a lie. Instead I faced it with a great deal of panic, tears and yes, even vomit.  Ph, the vomit. I won't go into details here - that's a story for another day.