Innocence Gone

Tomorrow will be 15 weeks.  15 weeks since our little family started to expand. And I still can't wrap my head around it.

It's a wonderful thing, this chance to grow our little brood. But it's terrifying too. No longer can I take a deep breath after the first trimester and tell myself we are safe now, that everything will be ok. I know that there are no guarantees. I know that the worst can and often does happen. And I know sometimes that lightening does strike in the same place twice. Our innocence is gone. It was shattered months ago by the cruelest fate.

I know what it's like to hear those awful words, that rattle in your bone even now months later. I know what it's like to hold my child for the first time and they are just so still, so quiet. I know what it's like to pray over her and beg God to please, oh please just let her open her eyes. To pray with every cell in your body for a miracle. Or to wake up from this awful dream.

I know what it's like to hand my child to a nurse, who carries her away with tears in her eyes. I know what it's like to hand my child to a nurse, who takes her to the morgue.

I know what it's like to never see or hold my child again. And to lose my faith,

So how do we get through these coming weeks and months? How do we get through the minutes, without going crazy. Where do we find the faith to hold on and hope that this time we get to bring our baby home.