When we first lost Hannah I turned to my community of friends. I was blessed. They came from across the country in person, in emails, in text messages, across years of separation and surrounded me with love. They held me up and held my hand. They got me through those first awful, awful months of grief and sadness. I could not have survived without them. I wouldn't have known what to do. They kept me sane and listened to me cry. They kept me upright (most days anyway) and kept me from drowning in grief and depression.
Fast forward a few months and I still need their love and support. But I also need something that they can't give me. Something that I don't want them to give me. I need people now that understand how awful this reality is. And I don't want any of my friends to ever have that understanding because that would mean they also know my pain. I don't want that for them.
So I looked elsewhere to find understanding and the sad fact is that it didn't take long. I was able to quickly find many wonderful women, loving mothers, who have also been on this horrendous journey. And as I get to know them it pains me that we are in this club together. But at the same time I am so incredibly grateful for their support. It's a weird balance. But I couldn't continue this journey without them. My first community kept me upright and my new community keeps me moving. When the going gets tough, we don't give up on each other or ourselves. We share our stories and pictures and heartache, but we also share our hope for ourselves and our families. We know we will never be the people that we were before we experienced the worst, but together we can grow and learn and come out better, stronger and somehow undefeated.
To my communities, old and new, I thank you. I wouldn't be who I am today without you.
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