**This is the first entry in a series that I am planning on writing about coping with losing my daughter. It will be real and raw and I can't promise that it won't make you cry. Either because the story is heartbreaking or because my writing is terrible (I'm writing from the heart and I won't be over-editing. So if it sucks, so be it). Bear with me, this grief is new to me and I'm learning as I go.**
My Sweet Little H,
Today is the day that I was supposed to meet you for the first time. Today you were supposed to be delivered safely into this world. I was supposed to hold you for the first time, look into your beautiful eyes, hear your cry, hold you hand. Instead, you slipped silently into this world over a month ago, the victim of a tragic accident that left doctors baffled and your daddy and I heartbroken.
We love you so much, our beautiful, silent little girl. I still can't believe that those firsts and a hundred others were stolen from us before your story really took flight. I've moved thru this day slowly, determined not to wallow, not to cry, not to lose myself to the grief that sits on me like an overwhelming physical presence. I did ok, for the most part. But as night falls I find my strength waning and my heart aching more and more. All day I have been thinking about how this day should have been going. Right now I should have been leaving for the hospital, at this moment I would be getting induced etc etc. In fact, as I type this I am thinking that right now your Nannie and Boppie should be bringing C to the hospital to meet you for the first time. He would have been the best big brother! He was so excited to meet you! He still asks how you are doing in Heaven and asks if you are coming home.
Life is unfair. I've always know this, but nothing drove that lesson home more than the doctors telling us you were gone. I don't know exactly how to move forward after losing you because I'm afraid that when I lost you I also lost my faith in God and in the good that I used to see in the world. I'm not sure exactly how to keep putting one foot in front of the other because I am forever changed and I'm not sure how I fit into this new world of ours. A world where your urn sits silently in your room instead of your smiling face. That's why I am resurrecting this blog. I hope that writing helps me find some clarity and makes me feel closer to you. To your spirit. And maybe even, eventually help me find a little peace.
I love you, my sweet little girl. I hope wherever your spirit is, you can feel our love and that it surrounds you and keeps you safe and warm.
XOXO,
Your Mommy
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