Ok, I realize that working out my frustrations here instead of face to face with you could be considered cowardly or childish. I agree in part. But the same could be said about you when you chose to say what you said to everyone but me. More importantly, I cannot be in the same room as you right now. If I was, I would say things I can't take back. The fire would override my common sense and I would turn into a crazy, table flipping, Real Housewife type. I don't want to be that person. And I certainly don't want to give you the satisfaction of turning me into that person. However, I still need to work through your betrayal. So here were are.
First and foremost I want to say to you that the idea that any parent ever "moves on" from the death of their child is ridiculous. It just never happens. We pull ourselves up, we get out of bed, we parent our other children and we move forward. But we never, NEVER move on. I carry Hannah with me everywhere I go in the only way I can; in my heart. That is the only comment I will address specifically here. You know what you said, and it makes me sick to repeat it.
Every day, every milestone, every moment my other children experience Hannah is there. But then again she isn't, is she? Do you remember the first time you looked into your daughter's eyes? I don't. I didn't get that moment. How about your daughter's first laugh, first steps. How about dance recitals and sporting events. What about graduations? I don't get those moments. They were stolen from me. When the day comes and Pachelbel starts playing and you turn anxiously to see your daughter floating down the aisle, dressed in white and holding your husband's arm, think of me and think of your words about Hannah. How will you feel? Embarrassed? Ashamed? Regretful? Good.
And I want to take a minute to let you know that despite what you think, I am proud of myself. I have been to Hell and back and I am still standing. Yes, it took therapy and medication and meditation, but here I am, facing my demons and fighting on. I'm cutting out toxic people and surrounding myself with those that shine a more positive light. My journey over the last year and a half has made me a better person. Broken, sure. But more grounded overall. While your words cut, they will not knock me down. I was surviving before you said what you said and I will survive long afterwards.
There is no excuse for your selfish behavior. It was ignorant and hurtful and the fact that you argued when people tried to set you straight is maddening. You are a smart girl, you should know better. We have been friends for so long we were like family. But you shit all over that didn't you? That speaks volumes.
As I mentioned earlier, I have zero interest in hashing this out with you right now. I need to let my emotions cool down. But I will say this. Don't even think about apologizing to me. I am not interested hearing you. Not yet anyway. Instead, do something good with your life. You are surrounded by family and friends so dedicated and loving that you don't deserve them. Change that. Like I tell my 5 year old all the time "Change your behavior." Get over yourself and go out and do some good in the world. Start being a person that deserves what she has instead of a person who constantly thinks she never has enough. Get over labels and paychecks and who has what and your judgements of others. Learn to be a peace with yourself and the world around you. Say you are sorry by being a better person. Let your actions speak for you. They certainly did before.
